The job is going exceptionally well. I laugh when I think about how adamant I was about having a J.O.B. No way, I was not going to do that. I was going to have my own business and do my own thing and write my own destiny.

Well, I am writing my own destiny. Always will, just as you are, too. To bring you up to speed, in case you’re new here, two months ago (yesterday, in fact), I landed a pretty great job. I had been under- and un-employed for awhile. My last real job was as a registered nurse for a long term care facility. I left in July 2010 due to a breakdown/meltdown. That colossal event led me to release much of my material possessions, like my run-down red Honda. The Honda was run-down, not the paint job. My income was slashed drastically. Gratefully, we do have Employment Insurance in Canada, however, it was a drastic change in income for me and I was not able to keep up with the lifestyle I had built around me.

It was nowhere near an extravagant lifestyle, mind you. Single mom, three kids at home. My youngest would go to her dad’s about 1/2 the time, but I still was the chief breadwinner. I learned an awful lot about setting boundaries that summer. It was hard to have to tell my two older 20-something’s they had to find a new place to live, because I had to move. Getting money from the government after I lost my job was helpful, but it was not enough to live like I had (again, which was not extravagant). I moved to a dingy trailer on Quadra Island and did a ton of healing.

Lots happened in between then and now. Lots of internal shifts which resulted in external shifts. Fast forward to two months ago, when I started my new job. Now I investigate and inspect residential facilities in my area. Perfect job for me. I get to write for my job. Reports, mind you, but writing nonetheless. I actually love my job.

Did it solve all my money issues? Well, yes and no. It’s been a HUGE help in getting myself on track again. Again? Feels like I’m getting on track for the first time ever. All the affirmations I worked on in that dingy trailer have come to light. “I live in a Universe of abundance”, “I pay all my bills in full and on time” and “I freely and joyfully give”.

I was WORKING it. Hard core. And I am still learning through my finances. That’s why I’m picking up on the blog again. Finances continue to be the way I learn about the world; how I learn about the energies of the world and my relationship to them, as them. Yes, I now pay my bills in full and on time. I am finally comfortable tithing 10% of my income to where I am spiritually fed. (Mind you, I just noticed I am tithing 10% based on my net income. Time to kick it up a notch to 10% of gross income.)

I am still working it. Life has softened a bit, for sure. I have softened. Thank you  Universe. That was a tough patch I went through. Yet that gurgling desire of Life is always bubbling up through me. A desire to live Life fully, completely. I consciously choose to experience as much Life as I possibly can, and being able to bring that through me means expanding the expression of who and what I am. I’ve got it in me. I know I do. I can feel it.

Sure, I have a job, now. I’m not stopping there. I’m definitely settling into the job, learning a lot about myself, expanding my skills as I learn this new way of being in the world. There is so much more I choose to express while I am here on Earth. So much more different than the depressive days and months post-breakdown. If you’re dealing with your own meltdown after-effects, hang in there. Please hang in there. You can come through this. You may believe “lack of money” is what is depressing and if only you had more money, you’d be okay. Sound familiar? Money does not solve anything. Not anything real, and not anything long term. It’s all energy and YOU are the critical energy center. What you see in your world is up to you. Don’t like how your life is? Change your thoughts. Feel what you DO want to experience. Go inward and develop your relationship with what I like to call The Field. That place (for lack of a better word) where All Is. Where All Begins. Where All Originates.

I’m excited to be back writing. There have been many changes within and I am eager to share. Questions about money? Comment below. Let’s get this party started

I won’t pretend it’s a perfect understanding. It’s what is working for me right now. I lay no claim to it working for you — or for me down the road, for that matter.

For a very good chunk of my young adult life, I was majorly influenced by the beliefs of my peers. You remember being 20-something? When you think you know everything still? Really you’re just trying to make sense of the world yourself, trying on beliefs, sticking with what works, throwing out what doesn’t? I’m still doing that, yet back in my 20′s I surrounded myself with my friends. They had opinions. It was super-cool then to be all Buddhist about our world beliefs. Except nobody ever really committed to becoming Buddhist. Everyone just sort of adopted Buddhism as the way to go. Because it seemed like the coolest thing to do at the time. I had concerns, though. If Buddhism is really about not having any desire, what is the purpose of desire? What do we do with all these feeeeeeeelings?

As a 20-something, I desired certain things out of life. Normal. Human. Imagine my confusion when my friends (who always seemed so much more intelligent than I since I had not been to university at that point) were spoutin’ off how bad it was to desire ANYTHING. As though the goal in life is to become desire-less.

It didn’t fit. For me. How do I stop these feelings of desire? They certainly weren’t, by the way. They were doing their very bests at satisfying all sorts of desires. Sex, alcohol, excellent communal potlucks. Often all three the same night. Maybe I should only speak for myself

Without proper understanding of the role of desire in our spiritual evolution (this was way before Science of Mind), I made the decision that it was bad to desire. That wasn’t all…I made the decision – even though it was not a conscious decision at the time – that I was bad for having desires.

Can you see how screwed up my thinking was?

Here’s what I know: All ideas, including desires, originate from Spirit, the Infinite Expression of the One. These desires are thoughts that arise up through us from Spirit. Desires are LIFE wishing expression by means of me. While it may seem like what we really want is the thing desired, ie the car, the lover, the job, the stuff, the people, the places, what our soul is truly after is the feeling that the fulfillment of the desire will bring.

To me, the presence of a desire is sort of like a soul-calling. Or rather, YOUR soul calling out to you saying, “This is who you are. Go after this, want this, because then you’ll know more about who you are!” It’s the only reason we are here on Earth. To know thyself.

I like to think of my desires as my soul leaving little breadcrumbs for me on my way to finding myself. When I look at desires this way, I think of all the years I spent denying the breadcrumbs that my soul so lovingly threw down for me to notice. I denied what I loved because it didn’t fit with pleasing everyone else around me. I denied what I wanted because I believed I was bad for wanting anything other than what I had. Essentially, I denied my soul. I denied the calling of my soul whenever I listened to someone else and believed them when they said there was something wrong with me for never being satisfied.

“You’re never happy…”

“No matter what I do, you’re never satisfied…”

“Why can’t this just be good enough for you?”

This was all from believing happiness came from outside of myself. I denied my wants and desires habitually, believing it was the right thing to do. Ultimately, I was denying my soul. I would hear the call in the form of a desire – a career change, a relationship change, whatever… and I would shut it down. I would shut myself off from my self. I rarely listened to that voice. I learned to deny it from a young age. “Don’t want what you don’t already have.”

Such bullshit.

And I know now, at 50 years of age, it isn’t the desire we want to discard. It’s not possible. It’s the attachment to the desire we want to transmute. It’s learning to understand what the desire really means. When I remember to reframe a desire as being a beautiful gift from beyond, a gift showing me a little breadcrumb to understand who I am and what I came here to do, I can thank the desire for fulfilling its purpose. I can hold it with a feeling of gratitude and I can remember when it arises to pay attention to it because of what it really is.

Each and every desire has a way. All that you require for the fulfillment of that desire is within you.  A desire is life longing for expression.

Allow desires to arise. You don’t have to act on them. Not right away, not always and not ever. We are completely in choice. Will denying your desires get you what you really want? Seems I can only deny desires for so long. Eventually my desires – the real ones – start banging on the door of my mind for attention. The 9 to 5 job may not satisfy my desire to run my own business. But I don’t know. It may. What I do know is I don’t have to attempt to manipulate life to satisfy my desires. I now say “Yes” to the desires that arise. I look to the feeling I believe that desire will satisfy and I look for the breadcrumbs and focus my attention there. For instance, for a long time I’ve had a small vision board of a white Jetta with the words “Road Joy” written underneath. The Jetta doesn’t really matter (it used to REALLY matter). What is calling to be expressed by means of me is “Joy”. Pure and simple.

What desires arise for you that you’ve been denying? Big or small, acknowledge them right now. Just notice them. Say hello to them. Don’t try to make any sense of them or figure out how you’re going to accomplish them. Dare to dream…

The results of your life never lie.

What I see in my life is a clear, pure reflection of the thoughts I have been focusing on. It’s been frustrating at times for me. And yeah, I know that’s a judgement I’m putting on the circumstances of my life. I can look and see the beauty, the abundance, the joy. I can see it now. It is only a matter of time and persistence of thought I will see beauty, abundance and joy on a regular basis. I trust.

See, I’m at an interesting place today. After months of ‘thinking’ I would be best off running my own business (doing what, I could never figure out!) I interviewed for a 9-5 job last week. It pays well. And I’m perfectly qualified for it. The opportunity arose in a rather unconventional way. Isn’t that what you hear most people say when they find their perfect job, or their perfect life partner? “I wasn’t really looking…”

Well, I wasn’t looking for this job and it found me. A friend, in her job as Director of Care at a care home, received a call asking if she knew anyone in our hometown of Campbell River with a residential care nursing background who is looking for a job.

This is a long lead up to the topic of this post but I’ll get there…

I’m waiting to hear. I had the interview. I’ve done my brilliant best and now I let it go. I’ve been letting it go all weekend. My feelings have been running rampant. Expectation — joy — anticipation — bit of doubt — okay, it’s gone now — disappointment (that they haven’t called yet) — let down (if they DON’T actually call) — back to expectation — wondering when — excitement — trepidation… you get the point.

So I had a chat with myself today during a walking meditation. There is this huge something within that screams to be released . It is Life. It is the Infinite Expression that cannot and will not be held back. Not anymore. I’ve been holding back on life. It’s exhausting. Holding back is from fear. I could call it many different names but it all comes down to fear. It sure wasn’t love.

I thought about the results of my present-day life. I’ve become very good at living small. At first I lived small because I was morbidly afraid to live big. I was fearful of putting myself out into the world. I had been hurt. I had these wounds, you see… Don’t we all have those?

As I work through my story these past few weeks/months/years, I have learned to recognize that All That Is, is Good. My life, created by me, as I have done so either consciously or unconsciously, has served me. I have chosen, up until now, to live small. To keep safe. To fly under the radar. To NOT be noticed. It has served me. It was what I needed to do to be safe. Rather, what I believed I needed to do. It kept me safe as a kid, after all.

PAST TENSE. 

Living small no longer serves me. I know that. This Life Force churning up within and screaming for expression knows that. As long as my thoughts, my mind, my attention remains on the smallness of my life, I will continue to live a small life. I cannot help but think, as I wait to hear that I got the job that will have me rocking a different life pattern, that maybe I’m still attached mentally to old patterns.

It can be very difficult to make these shifts. It can also be incredibly easy. Life is not black and white. It isn’t either/or. Life is black and white. Life is this AND this. As I sit here now, I contemplate how life felt before the job interview. I put it up against what I imagine life to feel like after I’ve started working. Two very different feelings. The two energies will actually transform into some other expression of my life. I can never imagine exactly how something will look or feel like. Life is SO magnificent. But I can trust this. I know from experience, juxtaposing what was with what I imagine will bring about something different, yes, but almost always WAY better than I could imagine. It is interesting to remember as I write this, that something way better, the expression of my life, may or may not be this job. May or may not be it. All I can do is trust and keep moving forward.

I have changed already as a result of the interview (and the waiting). Over the past few days I have asked myself these questions:

• do I really want to return to cubicle nation?
• will the job be varied enough to satisfy my need for change?
• is this the right direction to take?
• what about my desire to run my own business?
• am I good with the demands on my time?

I answered yes to all except the “own business” one. I don’t know what taking this job means to that desire. I’ll write more about my relationship to desires in another post. Interesting place this afternoon. The thing about my own business, my love for social media, writing, etc., it’s not going away and I don’t see it being satisfied by the job I interviewed for. The job could certainly help me get there, though. It could be the support required while I work out the details of my business. Life is bursting up and out through me, as me, as it does through each and every one of us. This could be how it’s going to look. I just don’t know yet.

The good in living small? I know what small looks like. I know how I don’t want to live. I know I can survive. I know I am absolutely fine no matter what my life circumstances. I know how living small feels. It all helps move me to a greater, expansive expression of who I am. I’ll keep you informed….

With so much change happening on the outside of myself, combined with an intention to change my blog anyway, I ought not be too surprised that the recent hacking job on my blog has forced me to delete everything I have posted before today.

That’s a few months’ work…

I felt a little twinge of – I don’t know what. Grief? Sadness? Or maybe just that feeling that comes when you really detach from something. And maybe I could have figured out how to restore it, but frankly, I’m all for starting over. There have been recent internal shifts for me and it is only appropriate that the content of my blog reflect this shift. Because it’s good. Really, really good. It is time to start over.

I lost everything AND the energy on this blog is brand new. I don’t have a real clear vision of where it’s going, but I’m open to allowing Spirit to show me. I do know that I am no longer going to write for anyone who does not believe in our spiritual connection to money. I’m just not. Money is a spiritual matter and I have experimented with my own life enough to know this is Truth. From this day forward, I shall be writing with clarity on what I know and what is unfolding in my life on the subject of money.

I have lived (up until recently) a rather pinched off life. I have experimented, often unconsciously, just how powerful our thoughts are on what expresses in our reality. You can read more about my story on my updated About page.

No matter what financial situation you are in right now, if you want change, the first thing to do is to truly accept your current conditions and that your beliefs have brought them about. Stop pretending everything is okay. If everything was okay, the desire for change would not exist.

This is no different than any other situation you choose to change. Accept fully, all feelings related to your current situation. Get right into FEELING what you may have been resisting up until now. Feel the feelings. I wasn’t too thrilled this afternoon to be deleting all my blog files, but I allowed myself to really feel what came up. I know, from experience, to deny those feelings, to pretend I don’t feel anything, builds up resistance. What we resist, persists.

Feel everything. Yes, it might be painful at times. But uncovering those unconscious beliefs that are running in the background are the only way to move forward with your life, financial or otherwise.