Let’s face it. I’ve been living small for a long time now. I’ve obviously been getting some benefit out of doing so, or I would not keep doing it. I may SAY I choose to live a larger, more abundantly expressive life, but my actions are obviously reflecting a subconscious belief to the contrary.
The results of your life never lie.
What I see in my life is a clear, pure reflection of the thoughts I have been focusing on. It’s been frustrating at times for me. And yeah, I know that’s a judgement I’m putting on the circumstances of my life. I can look and see the beauty, the abundance, the joy. I can see it now. It is only a matter of time and persistence of thought I will see beauty, abundance and joy on a regular basis. I trust.
See, I’m at an interesting place today. After months of ‘thinking’ I would be best off running my own business (doing what, I could never figure out!) I interviewed for a 9-5 job last week. It pays well. And I’m perfectly qualified for it. The opportunity arose in a rather unconventional way. Isn’t that what you hear most people say when they find their perfect job, or their perfect life partner? “I wasn’t really looking…”
Well, I wasn’t looking for this job and it found me. A friend, in her job as Director of Care at a care home, received a call asking if she knew anyone in our hometown of Campbell River with a residential care nursing background who is looking for a job.
This is a long lead up to the topic of this post but I’ll get there…
I’m waiting to hear. I had the interview. I’ve done my brilliant best and now I let it go. I’ve been letting it go all weekend. My feelings have been running rampant. Expectation — joy — anticipation — bit of doubt — okay, it’s gone now — disappointment (that they haven’t called yet) — let down (if they DON’T actually call) — back to expectation — wondering when — excitement — trepidation… you get the point.
So I had a chat with myself today during a walking meditation. There is this huge something within that screams to be released . It is Life. It is the Infinite Expression that cannot and will not be held back. Not anymore. I’ve been holding back on life. It’s exhausting. Holding back is from fear. I could call it many different names but it all comes down to fear. It sure wasn’t love.
I thought about the results of my present-day life. I’ve become very good at living small. At first I lived small because I was morbidly afraid to live big. I was fearful of putting myself out into the world. I had been hurt. I had these wounds, you see… Don’t we all have those?
As I work through my story these past few weeks/months/years, I have learned to recognize that All That Is, is Good. My life, created by me, as I have done so either consciously or unconsciously, has served me. I have chosen, up until now, to live small. To keep safe. To fly under the radar. To NOT be noticed. It has served me. It was what I needed to do to be safe. Rather, what I believed I needed to do. It kept me safe as a kid, after all.
Living small no longer serves me. I know that. This Life Force churning up within and screaming for expression knows that. As long as my thoughts, my mind, my attention remains on the smallness of my life, I will continue to live a small life. I cannot help but think, as I wait to hear that I got the job that will have me rocking a different life pattern, that maybe I’m still attached mentally to old patterns.
It can be very difficult to make these shifts. It can also be incredibly easy. Life is not black and white. It isn’t either/or. Life is black and white. Life is this AND this. As I sit here now, I contemplate how life felt before the job interview. I put it up against what I imagine life to feel like after I’ve started working. Two very different feelings. The two energies will actually transform into some other expression of my life. I can never imagine exactly how something will look or feel like. Life is SO magnificent. But I can trust this. I know from experience, juxtaposing what was with what I imagine will bring about something different, yes, but almost always WAY better than I could imagine. It is interesting to remember as I write this, that something way better, the expression of my life, may or may not be this job. May or may not be it. All I can do is trust and keep moving forward.
I have changed already as a result of the interview (and the waiting). Over the past few days I have asked myself these questions:
- do I really want to return to cubicle nation?
- will the job be varied enough to satisfy my need for change?
- is this the right direction to take?
- what about my desire to run my own business?
- am I good with the demands on my time?
I answered yes to all except the “own business” one. I don’t know what taking this job means to that desire. I’ll write more about my relationship to desires in another post. Interesting place this afternoon. The thing about my own business, my love for social media, writing, etc., it’s not going away and I don’t see it being satisfied by the job I interviewed for. The job could certainly help me get there, though. It could be the support required while I work out the details of my business. Life is bursting up and out through me, as me, as it does through each and every one of us. This could be how it’s going to look. I just don’t know yet.
The good in living small? I know what small looks like. I know how I don’t want to live. I know I can survive. I know I am absolutely fine no matter what my life circumstances. I know how living small feels. It all helps move me to a greater, expansive expression of who I am. I’ll keep you informed….